1.29.2006

Please, Beat this Girl?

Why is it so funny to watch someone slip and fall? It's quite sadistic to take such a pleasure in the way someone's pain and embarrassment conveys so much pure enjoyment to the other parties surrounding...so much so that we are left gasping for air as the guffaws are let loose and the "slipee's" scoffs follow. Much earlier today, I witnessed one of these events. A prep wearing clogs (which should be the opening line of ALL funny stories), which are now all the rage just because American Eagle thought that whatever looked good on Bavarians in the 1600's should deserve a comeback in contemporary times, walked toward the stairway leading down to the art and music wing of my high school. During the turn that was necessary to enter into the landing of the stairway, the [right] clog so cleanly and smoothly slid out from underneath her flimsy skeleton and caused her heap of bones and muscle matter to collapse into a perfect pile in front of the steps. Now, because this event took place during the transition between first and second period, most high school students would need to rub their eyes to confirm that what had happened actually had...but not me...I was wide awake after having a chat with my Digital Video Production teacher about why I was dropping his class. I promptly laughed and smirked at others I passed in the hall, wishing I could go and kick her the rest of the way down the steps...just for wearing those fuckers. And if that wasn't funny enough, I heard her [still on the floor behind me] say, "That's the SECOND time that's happened today!" Even the tart-cart kids aren't THAT retarded...they learn the FIRST time after burning their tongues on oven-fucking-hot tator tots.

1.19.2006

Books - Their [Unrealized] Titles and the Assholes that Read Them

This post will be spent writing in a quite creative sense as I attempt to divulge some fairly interesting titles of books that do not, but should exist...just for my own amusement.

  • Of Mice and Mothers of Would-Be Daughters and their Sons that do all the Housework - A Satirical Look into the Hidden World of Perverse and Backward Culture
  • Life in Purgatory: With your host, Mr. Watson
  • Eighty-Seven Ways to Skin a Cat and Nine Ways to Beat a Dead Horse: The Good Citizen's Guide to Everything
  • My World after Childhood: Why Suicide Works
  • If Only my Fat Were Gold...A How-To on Homemade Toothpaste
  • I'm a God, and Everyone Seems to have a Problem with That - A Look into the Life of an Asshole
  • When the Music Stops, Eat. - Surviving an Obese World (With pop-out instructional figures in back)
  • Don't Buy This Book, You'll Get AIDS! and Why the Clap is more fun than the HIV
  • Oatmeal 101...Fiber for your Shitter
  • Digital Photography for the Mentally Retarded Vol. VII - Potatoes and their friends, Tater Tots - A Paradox Worth Chewing On
  • When IT Turns Brown - 18 Oven Settings for the Perfect Christmas Turkey
  • Suck Me Off, Evildoers! - A Guide to the Opposition of George Bush
  • Books are of SATAN! Now Buy this One or Risk the Wrath of Jahova. - And other True Religious Stories for the Soul
  • Aftersex Hair and Bottled Water - Why It's Important to Buckle-Up Next Million Miles
  • Lucky Charms and Enchiladas: A Trilogy - (1) The official discourse on why Zak Shellenberger should stop making this fucking list and get an L.I.F.E.! (2) Schizophrenia is for Pussies (3) I am Zak Shellenberger, You Prick: And Other Analyzations of Why Zak is an Asshole