Fuck the Pink Devil-Bike.
Because it bears telling...a few years ago, when I was in elementary school, I was friends with the neighbor girl, Amanda. Her mom, Kathy, was always into flowers, fartin' around (sound old, huh?) outside all the time with projects and crafts and other mediums through which Satan works. Kathy had suggested that I make some potted-plant-thing for my mom for some holiday - maybe Mother's Day, I can't remember. Because I am not an outside person, because I hate bugs, I decided to go down to the garage (which lay at the bottom and to the right of a very steep [90-degree angle] hill) to get some bug spray for the gnats. To save time, I hopped on this frilly pink child's bike that was laying on the side of this grassy mountain and liften my feet. Immediately, my body was accelerating. To the right was the path I was supposed to take. In the front was the path I was destined to take...an above-ground pool which sat in a large dug-out hole so that there is a gap between the earth and the side of the pool where there exist the pool's supports, surrounded by rocks, and above the ledge existed even larger rocks that ran the perimeter of this side of the pool, perhaps to keep objects from sliding from up-hill down into this ditch. Now, because I was no-longer a four-year-old and had become accostomed to using handle-brakes and because this bike was made for a four-year-old and had foot brakes, the motor sector of my brain was not able to electricate my lower limbs fast enough to backpedal and I promtly slammed into the 200lb rock. In a rush and a "ZAK!!!" scream heard, I shot over the handlebars, over the rock, into the ditch, with the devil-bike on top of me. I had watched enough of "Emergency 911" and "ER" as a child to know that bleeding from the head was not good, so as soon as I saw the crimson essence leaking from my cranium and onto the pool support, I screamed; probably as though I were the little 4-year-old girl named Jane who was supposed to be riding that bike.It turns out that I am not the only one to have been abused by this pink devil-bike. Amanda's cousin, Jared, and another female cousin of her's have also had experiences with it, particularly shooting off the driveway and into the woods.
UPDATE: Since these incidents, the bike has been decomissioned and dismanteled. RIP, you bastard.
posted by Zaevodnik @ 13:41
0 comments
